Wednesday Post

It's late. I should be asleep. I usually stop thinking clearly after ten and it's after eleven. Eric is in bed. The baby is asleep. I can hear the dishwasher running. *thank you Lord for a dishwasher* I'm just reflecting over the last few days. Thinking about what has changed, what has stayed them same. Thinking about the list of things that never ends or gets finished around the house...learning to let that go--I know it will never all be done:)

Sunday. The saints won the Superbowl. ONE of my husbands lifetime dreams came true. Although some may forget by next year who won this year, I have a feeling he won't soon forget.

Monday. We were all congested and felt yucky. I spent the day at home with karis in our PJ's, which I rarely do anymore. I always try and get dressed and ready for the day. It seems to help the day move along more smoothly. Monday night we watched a movie and ate pizza, which we couldn't really taste.

Tuesday. Another cloudy, rainy and cold day. I thought I was leaving the cold winters in VA! I guess not. I did house stuff at home with Raynie, had my 30/30 time with the Lord and searched the internet for some sewing tutorials. Karis still sings happy birthday to je-je (jesus) almost everyday. We sang that for Christmas--so everytime i mention someones birthday, she sings happy birthday to Jesus. Its pretty funny. Tuesday night. Prayer was cancelled because of a Chosen meeting. Nothing extremely interesting happened to note.

Today, Wednesday, February 10. The sun finally came back...but it was still freezing outside. I had a bad day today. Do you ever have those bad days? Days where you aren't sure how you feel about things? Days when you aren't sure what in the world is going on? These days rarely come but today...It was one of those days. The internet would not work all day --which was fine except I had work that really needed to be finished ASAP. I guess it could wait. Karis destroyed the living room...which is actually normal, but the clutter just made me crazy today. We got hot pink nail polish on the couch. No Comment.

I am not one to usually be completely transparent, unless I really know you. I have this need to have everything together and know everything that is happening. I want to know "why" the process and "how long" ... God has definately brought me a long way from where I used to be. Holy Spirit has been such a comforter and companion along the journey, but sometimes that old way of thinking tries to creep in. And I guess I just shut down the voice of Holy Spirit. To be completely honest -the reality of laying everything down really just hit me today. Leaving family and friends. Leaving comfort and "normal". Laying down gifts and talents. As I started thinking about all of this stuff today, I got really frustrated at the Lord. Why does it have to be this way? Why does it have to be here?

It has been very humbling to come here and join a community who knows nothing about you and can go on with or without you. Until our move to Hamilton I led worship for almost ten years. Eric and I led planted and directed Masters Commission, were youth pastors, childrens church leaders, associate pastors, house of prayer leaders, church cleaners, marriage couselors, bus drivers, accountablility partners and the responsible party for lots of young people. I listed those things not for the sake of tooting our horn--but for the sake of showing our way of life. A large part of it was ministry : preaching, teaching, singing, discipling, leading and serving. To go from that to just being A blacksmith in the community, has been a hard thing. And today I got mad at God about how unfair it was. I know- but I did. I know all he right things to say-- I know a good number of reasons why we're here. I do understand it's a part of the process. But I am human and my humanity today got the best of me.

When we were on stage, I thought that was hard. I felt misunderstood and misplaced a large majority of the time. I always felt like the message that God burned in us to speak, was misunderstood because people just didn't understand the burning. I thought discipling was hard. Cleaning wasn't fun. Praying at a 3am prayer watch with a room full of young people, a lot of moments wasn't exciting. Leading isn't all its cracked up to be. A lot of learning came from all of that time though. The last three years have been the hardest of my life. They have been very painful. I guess when we moved I thought that being in a place with a like heart and mind would be easier than the process we had been through. Ha. Meanwhile, I'm still asking God to change me. To make me like Him. To burn me away.

But when the fire comes in a way I didn't expect--I resist. Today, I had a day of resistance. I am learning that loving Jesus has to consume me in such a way that none of those other things matter anymore. If I never minister again on a stage. If eric never speaks another message. If we never formally disciple any other students. If I cannot love Him, everything else is worthless and tiresome. I have gone so long on ministry mode that I don't even know what it is to sit at His feet. I was so busy doing for Him, I missed a lot of quiet time getting to know Him.

What am I trying to say? I dont know excactly. Maybe that I'm human. That, yes, although this move was a brave, courageous, obedient thing to do and that God will reward it...it is scary. To put your life in His hands with no backups is crazy. I am seeking that I may know Him and be satisfied in Him alone. Him alone. Him alone. Just saying that can be overwhelming. Maybe, if God so grants it, one day ministry will be a part of our lives...but maybe not. And that has to be ok. For me, it is ok ...most days. But not today.

Tonight. By the way- service tonight was awesome. Ms. Karen spoke about love...such a simple yet complex command. If we could get it, our cities would be transformed. God help us to love the way you love.

Thanks for hanging in there--listening to my rabbit trail. Not sure that it made complete sense. It is after midnight:)

Jesus be my source. Holy Spirit be my companion. Help me to hold tightly to you and your word. True reward is knowing you...seeing your face...sitting at your feet.
Until sunday...